Looking through old documents, I came across many envelopes. Sealed. Stamped, and returned. Addressed to my birth mother. I’ve sent them over the years on her birthday and Mother’s day. Always returned.

Mother’s day has always been a reflection day for me. Wondering where she is. Wondering if she is thinking of me. I wanted to assume that at least on Mother’s day and my Birthday that I’d be in her thoughts.

Mother’s day has always been a bit conflicting as well. I have a mom. An amazing mom. World’s Best. God gave me to her – through my dad, and a marriage. When she said I Do to him, she said I Will to me. Hair cuts and custom hand made dresses. Meals that make your mouth water coming in the door, not being able to set the table fast enough. Late night talks on my bed. A mentor and friend. A Godly example of a wife and lady.

But on this day – I always felt guilty. My mind would wander to the birth mother – wondering. I never wished to trade places – to trade homes. I loved my home. I get  to always win the ‘my parents are cooler than your parents’ game.  And that’s why the emotion on Mother’s Day always came as sort of a shock.

I was ready to feel intense sorrow this year. My birth mother passed away last June. It will be the first year that I know where she is. I know what she’s doing. The wonder will be gone.

Quite on an oversight of dates I sent my husband and son off to be with my Mother in Law for this week, so they too are gone.  I am super stoked that they get to spend Mother’s day with her. Maybe the first one since my hubby left his house as a teen.

Knowing this, I was given permission to celebrate Mom’s day on my own. I joined a trip up the coast to Cannon Beach and splurged on coffee, danish and a nice bag of purchases at a cute bookstore. I spent last Tuesday walking around Portland, I’ll share that trip with you later. I’ve sought out little things that I wouldn’t normally do, just for me. Selfish. Joyful. Special. Each year my hubby brings me a flat of flowers on Mother’s Day. So yesterday I bought a bunch of pansies and planted them out front in the pots. Jon made quite a few things in our Clay class with Artistic Pursuits and I put two of his flowers in the clay pots out front.

I am quite surprised to reflect today that this has been the best Mother’s Day weekend ever. I sent my mom flowers on Wednesday. (I lost her card, crazy long story, and went with flowers.) I had no wonder if my birth mom would reach out. I had no worries of what the boys would or wouldn’t do, what hubby would want to do, or if I’d have to do laundry and dishes on Mother’s Day, which I usually do. I called some friends and we spent the morning on the Lake.

And this afternoon a knock came to the door. Hubby and Jon called a friend in town and he picked up a card and some flowers and brought them over. He even drew a lil wave on the card next to Jon’s name.

I thought this would be a super hard Mother’s Day. But, so far, it has been one of the best.

I feel free. This past year I’ve felt 100% free to have my mom be my mom. My only mom. no split weird conflict of heart. I’ve worked through a lot of buried emotions as they surfaced this year. 

I think I’ll always spend some time in May to just celebrate being me. Being a mom. A dang good adventure waterdog mom. A homeschool mom. Being a daughter. Having a mom. Having mentor ladies in my life. Having the best Mother in Law.

Being free. Healed. Healthy.

It’s been a crazy emotional year since she passed away. I never really knew her. Outside of a few short visits, I never spent time with her. Everything the family says to me conflicts, lies, mistruths. I’ve come to believe that they didn’t know her either.

But I know who my mom is. And I know who I am. And I know the One who put us together, and I am thankful.